


existential dread

by Anonymous



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Existential Dread, M/M, its a game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:33:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26071195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: This...had to be real...right?
Relationships: Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 69
Collections: Anonymous





	existential dread

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration for this fic: 
> 
> "existential horny & horny dread are two emotions that exist theoretically: discuss"
> 
> "nutting to the thought of the cosmos and nutting cuz fear kink"
> 
> "If You Asked Me To" on ao3 by cravekereal

This was real. 

It...had to be. 

The feeling of his lips against his, slightly chapped. The slight chuckle when he fumbled with unbuttoning his shirt. The hand on his waist. The almost fiery feeling in his heart when Bubby broke the kiss and moved to his neck. 

Too detailed for a simulation. Besides, why would a game even program such insignificant, small things for such insignificant small parts in the universe? 

Insignificant things like how Bubby’s hands shook slightly when he moved his hands to unbutton his pants. Like how Bubby was so confident in the act until it came to the actual thing as he was, truly, a coward at heart. The little imperfections on his body from the hazardous work environment of Black Mesa. 

Coomer slightly shivered his hands-on Bubby’s shoulders. The best thing about being self-aware was the feeling. The feelings in his heart and on his body were real, genuine ones. The choices he made were his and the results weren’t just some scripted event the player triggered he had no control over. He looked down and chose to adjust Bubby’s crooked glasses. He could have done a million other things but Coomer chose to do that. And it was his choice. 

He looked at Bubby and gently redirected his mouth back up to his. The worst thing about being self-aware was that he had to deal with the fact that he wasn’t real. He slid down towards the floor to start prepping the other man. Bubby wasn’t real either. But, he pushed that thought aside, arguing that feeling was the thing that made everything real. 

The other man let out a soft sigh, his hand reaching up to play with Coomer’s hair as he made eye contact. Coomer huffed a bit and smiled at the sight of him below him, his eyes crinkling up in the corners a bit. He wished they could stay like that forever but the game was coming to an end at some time. He wasn’t even sure if he would be saved. They’d most likely be reset as they were just insignificant NPCs. The tears well up in his eyes. Bubby was so content and fiery and alive and real. Coomer leaned down to place a kiss on the other man’s stomach half to hide his tears. 

Bubby rutted his hips against Coomer and they started to move. It felt good. It felt real. It was the most real thing but the least real thing at the same time, like some Schrodinger’s cat paradox.

How would you even begin to define something real? 

Wikipedia defines real as the “...sum or aggregate of all that is real or existent within a system, as opposed to that which is only imaginary. The term is also used to refer to the ontological status of things, indicating their existence. In physical terms, reality is the totality of a system, known and unknown. Philosophical questions about the nature of reality or existence or being are considered under the rubric of ontology, which is a major branch of metaphysics in the Western philosophical tradition. Ontological questions also feature in diverse branches of philosophy, including the philosophy of science, philosophy of religion, philosophy of mathematics, and philosophical logic. These include questions about whether only physical objects are real (i.e., Physicalism), whether reality is fundamentally immaterial (e.g., Idealism), whether hypothetical unobservable entities posited by scientific theories exist, whether God exists, whether numbers and other abstract objects exist, and whether possible worlds exist.”

But, all the definitions were subjective. Simple philosophy from the minds of other humans trying to figure out what was real or not. From the philosophy in his mind, the feeling, real or not, was there so he hastened his pace a bit much to Bubby’s pleasure. 

They were scientists, after all, and scientists sought to classify things. But, could you classify the feeling of being so insignificant yet so significant? Scientists had trouble classifying things all the time like if something was technically a sandwich or not. In the grand scheme of things, Coomer was insignificant. The universe would continue if he was there, self-aware, or not. But he was also significant in the fact that the universe would remain forever changed because he was self-aware. He was so significant at this moment with Bubby, a vital part of the equation of their love. 

These were the same deep and shallow feelings he felt when they stargazed together years ago when Coomer first realized he was in love. He looked down into the stars, the void so large and encasing that if Issac Newton hadn’t invented gravity the starry void would have drowned him. At that time, gravity and the warmth from Bubby’s hand were the only things anchoring him to the world. 

Coomer bent down to kiss Bubby and to ask if he was still okay. Bubby nodded saying he was fine and that Coomer should “pick up the pace”. Coomer did so, one hand on Bubby’s hip and the other intertwined with Bubby’s fingers. His heart was racing and so was his mind.

Knowing that he’ll be nothing but dust. This, these feelings won’t ever last as nothing ever does, but it’s happening right now and right now, these feelings are lasting forever. 

Oh god, Bubby shifted slightly, causing a rush of pleasure to spill up his spine. 

He loved fearlessly. He loved fearlessly, despite knowing that in his scientific mind that love was simply chemicals. It couldn’t be just chemicals; it feels so much more than that. Love was some deep feeling held within the soul, wedged between the neurological connections in his mind, seeping through his body like a chemical spill or toxic neurotoxin, drowning out, and killing all the other feelings and sensations except this one. 

Your lover will be gone one day, as will you, but your love will not. Coomer knew that love couldn’t be erased as nothing had the power to erase love. It was more than chemicals, it was more than neurons, it was a part of the soul created by choice which seeped between the cracks of reality and permeated through the very fabric of reality like osmosis. 

Coomer felt a dull tap on his thigh which made him know that Bubby was close. Coomer was close too. 

Your love will remain and as you look into their face during this passionate fight--as everything in life is a fight--and you will become blinded with love, life and the universe displaying the true emotion in such a clear and exposed view. He was fearful of it, of love, of the end, of...everything and nothing at all. Bubby had blinded him, his love so powerful and Coomer didn’t care if he was blind temporarily or not. It was like dying but being rebirthed by the light at the end of the tunnel.

Coomer pulled out after Bubby finished and he pulled him close, leaning up against the tattered walls of Black Mesa. He cleaned up a bit and held Bubby in his arms as Bubby fell asleep, clearly exhausted. 

He placed a small kiss on Bubby’s head and sighed, looking out into the dimly lit ruins. It was such a jarring and stark contrast to the light and love he was enamored in. 

Maybe it didn’t matter if it was real or not. Coomer observed the surrounding environment, some sprites becoming pixelated and simplified to basic angular shapes. He then observed the sleeping man within his arms, so real, alive, and full of love. 

Love, he thought, makes this real.


End file.
